Saturday, December 20, 2008

2nd Generation of the Great Dane has begun. Top is Monte with Abby and Alex, now its Toby and Billy
Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Boy the Dog and Potty training

Ok I am horrified that my son is not getting the whole potty training gig at all. So I told Patty just take the diaper off and let him go commando and see what that brings to the house where we already have a Great Dane Puppy who pisses lakes and shits houses on the floor when he doesn't make it to the door, so needless to say you don't want to visit the relative with the "smelly house". So Billy is thrilled to be free ballin in the house and he goes and sits down on the loo drops a few dribbles and yells "I did it" and off he goes again to play. A few more times of sitting down, a few more drops a few more hoorays things are looking good. The dog is getting it and we think the boy is finally on the fast track to dryness....and mind you the dog is running to plead his case that it wasn't him who dropped trowl and peed on the wood floor, no it was that boy who is always pulling on my jowls, by the way let me out. Yes the boy peed on the wood floor, "I did it" was the call, how proud...thank God for pergo...a few more potty stops, one more on the ceramic tile in the kitchen, the dog ratting him out, and I'm feelin like he on the short bus to school if you get my drift. Sooooo the experiment for the day is over, the diaper back on and tomorrow is another day, gonna try cheerios in the toilet and let him try and hit them, I just hope he doesn't pee in his cereal bowl.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I don't know who wants their mama more but Billy is definately jealous of Toby.
Posted by Picasa

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Road Trip

Remember way back when traveling with mom and dad across the country in one of our many piece of shit vehicles, ie the VW Bus with the flying luggage, the reverse only mercedes, that jamming hot rambler (mom can correct me if I got any of them wrong, but I was little and we tend to block out horrifying experiences). And how can we forget the lines of common sense from dad, "the human body can go three days without food and water" "If you spill that in the car I'll chop off your head" (ok not exactly but close) "Just hold it" "I don't need directions" "Did he put the gas cap on" etc feel free to add your own.

Well it has come full circle for me, I took the wife and kids to NC, 500 miles one way to pick up a great dane puppy in the van with one window that is now permanently up. And so it began, 40 miles into the trip, Becca has to go bad, hold it, I can't. Pee on one of the dog pads we bought. I can't. Watch the video, but I have to go bad. Stop #1, rest stop in........NJ. Everybody out and go, this is the LAST stop until we get there. But aren't we going to eat? No the human body can go three days without food, have a chip and some warm water. But its warm. Don't you know that cold water can freeze your blood and cause a heart attack (thanks Rob) I'm just looking out for you. Off we go, the GPS is set, we are flying now. Missed a turn, recalculate the GPS and we end up on 17. 17 is a long road, with lots of traffic lights and I'm pretty sure I saw people playing banjos and guitars on the side of the road. 150 miles in we stop, I gotta go, but I tell the kids we are switching drivers. The rest stop has stainless steel toilets, I'm thinking prison movie. A hasty escape, back on the road, are we there yet, Shutup, we have 6 more hours. The Cars movie is begining for the second time, KKKKKAAAACHOW. 300 miles in, crayon fights shes hoggin the crayons, not the Cars movie again, switch it to CHOMPS the robot dog, Billy crys himself to sleep. Driver switch after a stop at Subway and of course Mc D for Billy and Becca. Off we go, 20 more to go. Now the roads are very dark, and the banjos are getting louder. Finally see a sign for Jacksonville and make it to a Holiday Inn Express right down the street from the Piggly Wiggly. The place was full of marines, I forgot it was down the street from Camp Bean Leguine. Finally in bed, sleeping, until 3am a ruckus, f-words, laughing, doors slamming, must be those marines. Out of bed, a great breakfast, really a nice spread, to the desk to checkout, how was your stay, well it was great except for that 3am thing, well we are sorry sir, as she looks at my 4 tired kids and gives us half off the 90 dollar room. I love the Holiday Inn.

2.5 miles to the breeder, just a regular house in the neighborhood, but....5 Danes and 9 puppies makes for a busy place, not smelly, clean and very nice folks who obviously love their dogs. Kathi would be in heaven.

Took possession of Toby, 7 weeks old 11 lbs. Met his pop, Master T 160 lbs, and momma Pulska, who wasn't much interested in anyone especially Billy.

500 miles to go home, now with a dog that everybody wants to hold, and the dog just wants to sleep. The dog did well, took a dump in every state on the way home. The ride home was a little worse than the ride up, the question of the day was "Are we in Delaware yet"? 10pm pulled in the driveway, piled into the house, and to bed. Now I have an idea of what dad went thru.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Election Day

While the world is excited about the historical election, a black prez or a female VP, I must admit I am a bit fearful. Not because Obama will win (yes he will, and by a landslide and no not by my vote...Ben Stein for POTUS) but because I get to work on election day in the city of Trenton. Oh there will be joyful noise in the city, the bars will be packed, gun play, a few fires, drive bys, walk bys, run bys, and thats when Obama wins. I'd hate to think what it would be like if he loses. I'm calling out.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Frost on the Windshield Remix

I'm always late to. No matter how many deals I make with myself I just can't drag my ass out of bed. I hate getting up at 5:15, I usually don't remember my ride to work (1 hour) and I roll in on the dot or at 2 after. Thank God it usually doesn't matter the way our unit is set up, but when I am early my co-workers usually put me to bed and take my temperature. Now its getting cold, so I REALLY hate getting out of bed, out of my warm clothes to shower and change, gosebumps as big as the Denali, my nips as big as flag poles and of course the complementary shrinkage of the nether region (God definately was not fair on that reaction, can I get an AMEN ). Now that all of you are trying to wipe that visual out of your head. Anyhow, to make things worse, the Van window did it again, down no up. A while back, it just decided to go up after the failed shore trip, me and Patty and the girls, not so much Billy, prayed for devine mechanical intervention and walah it went up. Praise the Lord! While at church last week, I put the window down to talk to someone and there she sat at the bottom of the window well. My tithe must have been short. Patty was laughing at me because I was leaning in with my head on the heat vent while driving cause it was getting cold. Now its really cold, so I'm not driving the Van until summer, unless God the mechanic come back to fix it.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


As parents we are obsessed with appearences by the orders we call out...clean your room, brush your teeth, brush your hair, Billy stop painting your face, fix that hole in the wall, get our brother off the roof, pick up the dog crap and get it off my shoe. I've heard it said that we spend less than 15 minutes a day (don't quote me on that but I know its a low number of minutes) actually talking to our kids and if you add in all the "Rules and orders" what is it that we actually say that is worthwhile. I come home from work, how was school, what did you learn, did you do your homework, get a bath, brush your hair, read for a 1/2 our and go to bed. I'm a fun dad. Don't eat dinner with them all week, I get home to late, give em the standard questions, pack them off to bed. So I've decided to make a concerted effort to change my delivery and time with the chilren.

From now on no more orders to get a bath or brush your hair, homework yes, but heck they can be the stinky Rices with the wild hair if they want to. They can dirty up their rooms, the yelling to clean it up doesn't work anyway, they can wear their dirty clothes all they want. They can leave the dirty dishes, eat half or none of their food and still have a snack, stay up late, and argue about who is sleeping with who. I mean really does it make a difference. I look at how we grew up and hell we all turned out ok. Mom was there that was all we needed. I don't remember keeping my room clean, doing particularly well in school, being a great athelete, but I was an ok kid who drank some, experimented with the chemical brain blunting agents (not LSD I think that was the oldest sister). I jumped off buildings, became a firefighter went into burning buildings, cussed some, was mean at times, busy, lazy, funny and stupid, thru all of that I don't remember Mom yelling rules much (but hell I lived with her for 30 years and she was more worried about finding a girl in my room not clothes on the floor) besides what good is it yelling at a 30 year old to clean his room. So I think I'll back off, hell Mom did ok with us.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Convention

Now that the RNC and the DNC have ended and everyone has gone home with sore hands and hoarse voices, I have decided that I want to give the next speech at one of the next conventions. It does not matter which one, in fact wouldn't it be great if you could just merge both conventions in to one big one, trash eachother, brawl, cheer, clap, punch, what a hooha that would be. But back to me speaking. Its got to be the easiest gig on the planet. I would walk out and get a cheer, I would say Thankyou, thankyou all for coming, viva la Republicans (or Dems whichever you prefer) and another cheer. I would like to thank my mother (Cheer and standing ovation and a few pats on the shoulder for her) and my wife (as above big cheer standing "O" touch touch etc.) my lovely children Abby, Alex, Becca, and Billy (cheer cheer standing "O" your so cute your not pregnant are you, no I'm only 12 whats pregnant etc..) Then I would ask for quiet, stand there for a minute, raise my hands and say "GOD BLESS AMERICA" (Pandamonium, cheer cheer cheer, standing "O", touch touch etc...) I would then endorse the candidate of the day, tell a few stories of how I shot and field dressed a salmon in the Denali with the said candidate and sipped tea in our pajamas while playing WAR together, looking at the globe and counting the 56 states. Then after those cheers died down, I would re thank everyone for having me speak, re GOD BLESS AMERICA and re endorse the said candidate (cheers pandamonium, touch, clap etc etc...) Then I would walk off and realize that I really didn't say anything and the cheers lasted longer than my speech. Sounds very familiar.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Schools in

Oh it was a happy day for Patty. Friday, 0700 sprung out of bed for the first day of school. Free babysitting and they learn something to boot, what a bargain for parents. The kids ran out the door, Becca forgot her name tag, didn't know who she was for the rest of the day. I got home at my usual 8pm and asked the magical was school???? Alex said it was a sad day, oh please explain, I thought maybe someone died, but no, she just had a substitute who was, as she put it, a bit nutty. Abby just shrugged, elected to not give any input until I went to bed, which she woke me and told me she got into excel math, algebra. Hope she doesn't need help as I am a bit dim when it comes to math. ( I think Mom made me fail the 5th grade for that) So Abby might not be my daughter, must have a Bonnie jean with the math skills. Becca, she found her name tag, loved school but she couldn't tell me why. Billy just runs around the house all day asking for donuts. And since it was friday there was no homework. Is that normal, I don't remember teachers giving me slack on the weekend, even though my dog always ate mine. Anyway I'm happy because Patty is happy and Abby made it past 5th grade in one try, which means she won't be one of the cool kids driving in the 9th grade. I'll keep you posted as crap happens, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Decided to take the kids to OC last weekend, the last hooooooha before school starts, you know a cheap little jaunt to the shore. Packed the Van and off we went, 10 miles down the road "Are we there yet", "I'm tired", "I gotta pee", "Shes touching me"....Shut up shut up or I'll turn this car around, not another word or I'll crash the car. Finally after multiple threats, quiet. Pulled in to the toll booth, put down the window, payed the toll, .....the window won't go up. Cloudy out. Arrive at OC, 15 bucks to park, told the guy don't bother locking the van, you know...the window is still down with no sign of life. Walk to the boardwalk, passed the giant water slide, "can we go on that dad? Its only 25 bucks apiece and Billy is free!" Quick math, 125 bucks, respond to the negative, ocean free, cost 0. Reach the boardwalk, finally the beach, and....50,000 people had the same idea today, what fun fun fun for the family. Don't forget the beach tags, quick calculation, the OC made about 6 billion dollars on beach tags today. Found a postage stamp of sand to sit on, the kids were off and running on the 20 dollar Styrofoam wave board, which sunk when my fat ass layed on it. Hung out in the water, got ran over 9 or 10 times by people on real wave boards that did not sink, Billy and Becca stayed out of the water, to scary. Got out had sand stuck so far up my ass I was spittin pebbles, dried off, headed for the boardwalk for some food. 2 corndogs and a drink, 11 bucks, 1 gyro and a drink, 16 bucks, 1 piece of pizza and a drink 12 bucks, emptying your wallet for a hoot of a time ..priceless. Wallet lighter and off to the rides. 30 tickets, 2o bucks and each ride is 3 to 5 tickets, so each kid gets 6 rides, minus the ones that we have to accompany the child, (the merry go round, and thomas the train were exhilarating) 3 rides per kid.....not 30 more tickets. 6 or 7 more fights later, not enough prozac on the planet, off to the Van for the windy ride home. 125 bucks and 1/2 tank of gas later, we make it home, life is good, eternity is better. It could have been worse I guess, the next day syringes washed up on the beaches, I just can't get away from work.