Saturday, September 13, 2008


As parents we are obsessed with appearences by the orders we call out...clean your room, brush your teeth, brush your hair, Billy stop painting your face, fix that hole in the wall, get our brother off the roof, pick up the dog crap and get it off my shoe. I've heard it said that we spend less than 15 minutes a day (don't quote me on that but I know its a low number of minutes) actually talking to our kids and if you add in all the "Rules and orders" what is it that we actually say that is worthwhile. I come home from work, how was school, what did you learn, did you do your homework, get a bath, brush your hair, read for a 1/2 our and go to bed. I'm a fun dad. Don't eat dinner with them all week, I get home to late, give em the standard questions, pack them off to bed. So I've decided to make a concerted effort to change my delivery and time with the chilren.

From now on no more orders to get a bath or brush your hair, homework yes, but heck they can be the stinky Rices with the wild hair if they want to. They can dirty up their rooms, the yelling to clean it up doesn't work anyway, they can wear their dirty clothes all they want. They can leave the dirty dishes, eat half or none of their food and still have a snack, stay up late, and argue about who is sleeping with who. I mean really does it make a difference. I look at how we grew up and hell we all turned out ok. Mom was there that was all we needed. I don't remember keeping my room clean, doing particularly well in school, being a great athelete, but I was an ok kid who drank some, experimented with the chemical brain blunting agents (not LSD I think that was the oldest sister). I jumped off buildings, became a firefighter went into burning buildings, cussed some, was mean at times, busy, lazy, funny and stupid, thru all of that I don't remember Mom yelling rules much (but hell I lived with her for 30 years and she was more worried about finding a girl in my room not clothes on the floor) besides what good is it yelling at a 30 year old to clean his room. So I think I'll back off, hell Mom did ok with us.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Convention

Now that the RNC and the DNC have ended and everyone has gone home with sore hands and hoarse voices, I have decided that I want to give the next speech at one of the next conventions. It does not matter which one, in fact wouldn't it be great if you could just merge both conventions in to one big one, trash eachother, brawl, cheer, clap, punch, what a hooha that would be. But back to me speaking. Its got to be the easiest gig on the planet. I would walk out and get a cheer, I would say Thankyou, thankyou all for coming, viva la Republicans (or Dems whichever you prefer) and another cheer. I would like to thank my mother (Cheer and standing ovation and a few pats on the shoulder for her) and my wife (as above big cheer standing "O" touch touch etc.) my lovely children Abby, Alex, Becca, and Billy (cheer cheer standing "O" your so cute your not pregnant are you, no I'm only 12 whats pregnant etc..) Then I would ask for quiet, stand there for a minute, raise my hands and say "GOD BLESS AMERICA" (Pandamonium, cheer cheer cheer, standing "O", touch touch etc...) I would then endorse the candidate of the day, tell a few stories of how I shot and field dressed a salmon in the Denali with the said candidate and sipped tea in our pajamas while playing WAR together, looking at the globe and counting the 56 states. Then after those cheers died down, I would re thank everyone for having me speak, re GOD BLESS AMERICA and re endorse the said candidate (cheers pandamonium, touch, clap etc etc...) Then I would walk off and realize that I really didn't say anything and the cheers lasted longer than my speech. Sounds very familiar.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Schools in

Oh it was a happy day for Patty. Friday, 0700 sprung out of bed for the first day of school. Free babysitting and they learn something to boot, what a bargain for parents. The kids ran out the door, Becca forgot her name tag, didn't know who she was for the rest of the day. I got home at my usual 8pm and asked the magical was school???? Alex said it was a sad day, oh please explain, I thought maybe someone died, but no, she just had a substitute who was, as she put it, a bit nutty. Abby just shrugged, elected to not give any input until I went to bed, which she woke me and told me she got into excel math, algebra. Hope she doesn't need help as I am a bit dim when it comes to math. ( I think Mom made me fail the 5th grade for that) So Abby might not be my daughter, must have a Bonnie jean with the math skills. Becca, she found her name tag, loved school but she couldn't tell me why. Billy just runs around the house all day asking for donuts. And since it was friday there was no homework. Is that normal, I don't remember teachers giving me slack on the weekend, even though my dog always ate mine. Anyway I'm happy because Patty is happy and Abby made it past 5th grade in one try, which means she won't be one of the cool kids driving in the 9th grade. I'll keep you posted as crap happens, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Decided to take the kids to OC last weekend, the last hooooooha before school starts, you know a cheap little jaunt to the shore. Packed the Van and off we went, 10 miles down the road "Are we there yet", "I'm tired", "I gotta pee", "Shes touching me"....Shut up shut up or I'll turn this car around, not another word or I'll crash the car. Finally after multiple threats, quiet. Pulled in to the toll booth, put down the window, payed the toll, .....the window won't go up. Cloudy out. Arrive at OC, 15 bucks to park, told the guy don't bother locking the van, you know...the window is still down with no sign of life. Walk to the boardwalk, passed the giant water slide, "can we go on that dad? Its only 25 bucks apiece and Billy is free!" Quick math, 125 bucks, respond to the negative, ocean free, cost 0. Reach the boardwalk, finally the beach, and....50,000 people had the same idea today, what fun fun fun for the family. Don't forget the beach tags, quick calculation, the OC made about 6 billion dollars on beach tags today. Found a postage stamp of sand to sit on, the kids were off and running on the 20 dollar Styrofoam wave board, which sunk when my fat ass layed on it. Hung out in the water, got ran over 9 or 10 times by people on real wave boards that did not sink, Billy and Becca stayed out of the water, to scary. Got out had sand stuck so far up my ass I was spittin pebbles, dried off, headed for the boardwalk for some food. 2 corndogs and a drink, 11 bucks, 1 gyro and a drink, 16 bucks, 1 piece of pizza and a drink 12 bucks, emptying your wallet for a hoot of a time ..priceless. Wallet lighter and off to the rides. 30 tickets, 2o bucks and each ride is 3 to 5 tickets, so each kid gets 6 rides, minus the ones that we have to accompany the child, (the merry go round, and thomas the train were exhilarating) 3 rides per kid.....not 30 more tickets. 6 or 7 more fights later, not enough prozac on the planet, off to the Van for the windy ride home. 125 bucks and 1/2 tank of gas later, we make it home, life is good, eternity is better. It could have been worse I guess, the next day syringes washed up on the beaches, I just can't get away from work.