Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Two holes for Dr. Seltzer

Well the time has come for the dreaded colonoscopy with an endoscopy on the side.  52 years old and finally time to get knocked out and violated by a guy that looks like he is 12 ala Doogie Howser.  Step 1 take 4 ducolax.  Now ducolax is equivalent to placing a dynamite charge in your ass with a delayed fuse, that when lit will begin with some rumbling, tumbling, bumbling,  and crumbling .....I just took the dynamite and will get back to you on ignition. The time is 2pm, I'm on the edge of my seat with anticipation.
4pm : 2 turds offered up to the porcelin god, poor showing overall.
6pm: Prep start, gatorade lime with a powder keg of Miralax, some sort of miricle substance that forces you to shit out things you ate when you were six that may still be stuck in a fold of your colon. Pound down 16 oz of that, not terrible, feeling good.
7pm: Nothing, drink another 16 oz, bloated feel like hurling, lime gatorade blows.
8pm: Explosion #1, loud and proud, with Alex outside the door telling me how gross I sound.  Thank God for the IPAD, I have something to do while I purge my childhood penut butter sandwiches from the nether regions. Another 8 oz, lime gatorade officially tastes like shit.
9pm: Oh help me Jesus, there is a direct connection between my mouth and my ass.  I drink and it shoots out my ass, I have a leak. Im dying, Patty is laughing so I pay her back by leaving the bathroom door open.  I standup just to sit down again, I cant walk 2 feet without nearly shitting my pants, another 8 oz, F**K this shit, lime gatorade is toxic waste, I throw out the last 8oz.  If Dr, Seltzer cant see screw him, I have a water faucet in my ass and its stuck open.
11pm: Tired my ass hurts my stomach is so bloated I feel like I could try out for the Biggest Loser.  Gonna try and sleep without shitting myself.
1am: Spring out of bed nearly did a sleep shart, my shit has no color except a tint of lime which suggests the gatorade is not even being digested just falling out my hole.
Back to bed, to tired to get up again so I resign myself to shitting the bed if necessary.
9am:  Made it thru the night, sit down to check if there can possibly anymore crap cause I dont want to shart in the waiting room.  I pretty sure Im empty because everytime I take a deep breath my ass whistles.
1030: Into the room, more like a closet, with a stretcher that looks like it was stolen off the set of One Flew Over The Cookoos Nest. Me and the Nurse Anesthesis chit chat over death rates in rooms such as these and if he has killed anyone recently.  Seriously he was great.  Dr Doogie arrives we chat about the procedure, he will scope my esophagus prior to my ass otherwise I will have a gatorade shit taste forever.  He jokes that he only drank a little wine with some xanax last night but stayed at a Holiday Inn Express so he is sure he can pull the procedure off.  The last thing I remember is the words "see you soon" .
1130: Woke up with a nurse staring at me and Patty sitting in a chair.  The nurse encourages me to fart proudly to get rid of the gas, it was life changing let em rip without worrying who is gonna hear you.  Doogie came in showed me some pics said my holes are fine see me in 3 years.
12:00 Off to StarBucks for a coffee, still ripping farts to my glee, Patty looks disgusted. 
1205: Fired a wet fart in my shorts
1210: Patty is still laughing
I hate Gatorade
I still hate Gatorade


Betty said...

So true! Proud of you! For some reason, my procedure wasn't as funny.

Kathi said...

I've been putting mine off, and now I may never do it. Colon cancer can't be that terrible. (just kidding!) Hey, the word I have to prove I'm not a robot is kidding!

Gigi said...

Rich and I had 'his and hers' a couple of years ago. Imagine sharing a hotel room in Anchorage (one bathroom) while prepping. :) Glad all is well with you. Maybe next time we can get a group discount if we all convince Kathi to go with us.

PS My word to prove I;m not a robot is HEDSHIP