Wednesday, January 2, 2013


Well its been awhile so at my mothers urging to blog i suppose its time for an update.  Abby is 16 and driving, not doing badly unless one desires to get somewhere quickly.  The other day we were passed by a senior walking group and some dude in a wheelchair who kindly flipped us off and told us to move to the right. She is getting better at changing lanes, not just aimlessly drifting from side to side, leaving rows of cars behind her askew in the grass. Now a junior in highschool doing well, still playing softball, writing frightening (no disturbing) stories about shit I cant even imagine, but very talented just the same.  Now I have an idea why Steven King's parents were medicated. 
Alex is 12 going on 30, the social butterfly who can fart like a sailor and lie about it with a straight face.  She has at least 60 friends and invites them over 7 at atime for sleep overs.  There are times when she isnt home for 3-4 days because she is at friends houses...hopefully bombing them with her scent.  She is bright, doing very well in school, and excelling as a softball pitcher (45mph fastball, deadly changeup and drop). 
Becca is 10 and her favorite food is anything that isnt nailed down.  I believe she is gonna be a foodie, eating champion, or a pastry chef (probably the latter).  She will get up at the crack of dawn to make cupcakes for school, leaving the kitchen like a flour bomb exploded for Patty to clean up, and say "I forgot".  Becca has also embarked on a softball career as a catcher and sports a pretty good arm when she isnt getting knocked over by Alex's fastball.
Billy, yes the commando, still likes "forgetting" to put on his underwear, especially at night and still doesnt know what a "test fart" is as evidenced by the shit streaks in his underwear when he actually wears them.  He is full of energy and a handful at school.  I had the pleasure of meeting his first grade teacher, who looked weary, and she showed me his desk which was placed right in front of her desk.  He misses recess alot due to having wars with his hands (Spiderman vs DocOc or something) rather than doing his work (I told Patty not to worry, the Nuns at Sared Heart used to smash me over the head with books and rulers for the same shit and i turned out ok).  He has a great imagination and some of the greatest excuses"Why were you bad in school William?" Dad it wasnt my fault, it was these jeans, they make me be bad.  As for sports, so far he excells in web shooting, likes soccer but girls keep running past him and scoring, and his football career was shortened because he would just walk off the field randomly for a rest and water break.
Patty is a saint, married to me for 20 years, taking care of them kids keeping a house and now taking care of a friends mom who is dare I say forgetful (no its not me). When Patty comes home she mutters alot, like "unbelievable" "I just dont get it" and "I give up you slobs" and her favorite "Calgon take me away and get me some wine".  She is a great wife and mom and is busier than me and I have 3 jobs.
Me...well its 3 jobs to keep it going and their are times I wanna jump off the fiscal cliff with all of the Senate and Congress tied to my leg.  My wrinkles have wrinkles, things are hanging, (my balls get wet when I crap) my eye twitches and I have lumps.  My doctor insists I get scoped "everywhere" so at the end of the month I get hosed up and down and hopefully they dont put it in my ass first. The kids ask me for homework help and I tell them I didnt learn that in school to ask their mother, i take naps, and my shampoo bottle has lasted me 6 months and its still a third of the way full, I dont need a comb.  Overall, while feeling my age a little more every year as evidenced by loose skin, jowls, and age specific tests, I am blessed with 4 great kids, a wife who loves me, a mother who is still a loving mother who looks out for her 52 yo elastic son. 
There you have it....update complete


Kathi said...

An update to leave us all in stitches, and I mean "in stitches" because I laughed so hard I snorted water up my nose, the dog jumped up, knocked my chair out from under me, and I hit my head on the computer desk- thus the stitches. (Just kidding, but it would have made a good story...) Keep writing-FML has nothing on you. Time to write a book-I'll edit it for you-not that you need me to-your occasional grammatical errors just make it all the funnier. :) Love to all, k

Betty said...

I had to find you again through Kathi's blog. Now you have to keep adding rather than every 5 year that you're 52!

Gigi said...

You crack me up, as always! Hope you will continue now that you are not wasting your time on Facebook. :)

Kristinn Leonhart said...

Oh man. This is so funny, I'm going to wind up reading it to at least 4 friends. Thanks Uncle Bill for the hilarious update!

Pam Durst said...

That's some funny shit!
Glad to see (read) you and family are doing well.
I'm going to take my laptop over to the couch for mom to read this out loud to dad. I'm sure they will get as much of a chuckle out of it as I did.
(Kathi posted this on FB... that's how I saw it.)
Cheers, and happy new year to you all.

Kathi said...

Bill, I posted a link to your blog on FB. Pam Durst used to be Pam Shaver in case you're wondering!

Rider said...

Ah if one cant laugh at oneself...