GRATEFUL

You have all heard the stories…I’ll never get a man/woman, I’ll never be rich, I’ll never be like them…fill in the blanks on what you will never be or never get. For me it was a job.  I always wanted to fly on a medivac as a paramedic or a nurse but for 30 years I was told to wait.  Not by anyone particular other than God i suppose,  but either way I was in a waiting desert and just moved on.  I stopped applying and put it in the rear view as something I was never going to do.  But I digress as this isn’t about me but generally about all of us constantly chasing the more and more and more never enjoying where we are in the present.  

We meet the person of our dreams and forget that moment and begin to search for ways to tweak it fix it “make it better” to fit it in the little box for the ultimate,a soul mate.  In fact that will never happen because frankly we forget to be grateful for where we are in the present.  We get bogged down with the future planning planning and planning without taking stock of the blessings we have now.  You are constantly searching for the better friend/spouse/fill in the blank, you are eroding the present position you are in. Think about that for a minute…why cant i have a relationship like them, why cant i be successful like them, why cant i be organized or have great looks etc etc.  Concentration on what you dont have, constantly comparing yourself to others erodes you current position in life.  For arguments sake lets say you achieve it all….best spouse, best car, best house, best kids, best ever life.  Soon while looking forward you decide there must be something better and your best life becomes second best to say a new friend, car, life etc and you begin searching while eroding your current position.  The cycle continues leading to second and third marriages, neglected kids, poor home life, loss of friends, depression, anger on and on.  

Oh there are many books and therapist out there to tell you how to fix it all.  7 steps to fix this or that or therapy for life, friends that tell you what you want to hear rather than being brutally honest at the risk of losing you as a friend because they don’t understand you.  But the real answer is to stop looking, stop comparing, stop wanting to be someone else and be the person that God made you to be. Stop feeling like everything is an attack on you personally.  Be grateful in your current position.  Be grateful for what you have in front of you. Stop searching for better and settle for good enough.  God gives you what you need daily, his grace is sufficient if you just let it be.  If we live in the moment being grateful for what we have, without letting the demons driving us away from that taking over our daily thoughts (your house is a mess, the kids are lazy, my spouse is a jerk, my friends do things without me etc) and replace that with gratefulness (my spouse loves me, my kids are healthy and good, my friends are few but awesome).  

Back to me.  30 years after deciding to move on God moved in.  A job popped up out of the blue, I was moved to apply by my dearest friend, and after a few obstacles that I was sure was going to derail my attempt, a conversation with God that his will be done not mine, the per deim job on a flight team was offered and taken.  Years later out of the blue full time came at a most unexpected time.  12 years later I’m still at it.  My point is our timeline is not God’s.  When we wait on God it’s torture sometimes but suddenly in his time he moves you to where he wants you to be….in his time.  God made you for his purposes to be the best you can be in the present. The past is gone the future is already written by God, live in the moment and be grateful. 

12 years with Dad

I'll go backwards.

We buried Dad in NJ, funeral at Danks, Uncle Kirby was close by me and Joe with his humor and wit trying to take the edge off the goings on, but what he didn't know was I really didn't get it. I remember going to the casket and looking at Dad, he looked plastic and waxy not at all real, I blew on his hair and it moved so I surmised that at least his hair was his. The burial and afterwards were a blur. I found comfort in my Mom, afterall I AM a Mommas boy:) and in my grandparents Aunts and Uncles. At the time it wasn't hard for me, I didn't have much of a relationship with Dad other than he was the one who dished out the dicipline.

March of 1973 I was 12, Dad died at the hospital in San Antonio, I got there after the fact I think. I don't remember crying much, I still don't, but I remember being relieved. As I said I didn't have much of a relationship with Dad,but I knew where the dicipline came from. Mom was strong, I can't imagine what she was thinking, now with me and my brother to provide for, many decisions to make fast, logistical nightmare but she pulled it off. Many people streamed in for condolences, including 2 teachers from school who I didn't like very much, and I remember thinking what hippocrits they were for showing up because I didn't think they really liked me much either.

We lived at 1798 Dayton Dr in the Baker Heights section of Abilene Tx, Dad bought me and Joe a BB gun and set up a shooting range in the garage. He taught us to shoot. I look back as that being one of the greatest days of my life with my Dad, just to have him hang out and have father son time with us. Soon I was shooting all the time at least until I shot the window out of the garage, game over. I had a sling shot as well and used to shoot that in the backyard with the smelly dog Pepper or Poochi whatever its name was, until I got the neighbors window, thought Dad would kill me, but he was really cool about that one, kind of left me off the hook. I remember the Dayton house being very busy, using old jelly jars as drinking cups, Dad cooking eggs for dinner(afterall he was a chef wasn't he?) Janes wedding, party central for the week, all the aunts and Uncles, certain ones eating old chicken bones, lots of Beer, a sort of a farewell for Jane and Dad. Of course there is the tub story, I was told to take a bath, didn't much want to, so I just dabbed a little and came out and Dad says, "Boy did you get a bath" I says "No hot water" He took me in the bathroom and held my hand under the hot, (No he didn't burn me or cause permanent damage, just making a point) All the people at the house got a good gaffaw out of that and it is still a story to be told many more times. Janes wedding was to be his last party, I remember the pain on his face walking down the aisle, I look back now on the courage it must have taken physically and mentally to make it, that memory alone makes me know that Dad was one tough cookie who really loved his kids and especially his oldest daughter who was usually at odds with him.

112 Kentucky, Dyess AFB TX was a nice area for my small brain. It was where Jane brought over Jesus Greg, and Kathi brought over Phillip Hitch (I'm going into deep recessed memories here so correct me if I mess something up but was he gay or what) and finally where Mark ask Dad for Janes hand. "You got something to say boy, say it here" me and Joe were standing there watching Mark squirm, Mom was horrified. "You gotta job"? "Yessir .....Pizza Inn manager" More giggling. So that episode showed me that Dad was a ballbuster. I would ask for money for whatever reason and Dad would empty his pockets of change and bills and say "Take what you want" but I was always afraid to take more than a quarter, but that showed me that Dad could be generous.

Falcon Courts North McGuire AFB NJ.....Don't remember the # (4048?) so help me out. Memories of the dining table only wanting to drink my milk, no food, wanting a mini bike for christmas (Santa ran out again!) Dad setting the house on fire after falling asleep smoking on the couch, thank God for the cat who woke up Mom and led her to safely extinguish the fire (what cat was that or did we have a cat?) All I remember is that nobody woke me up, (let the boy sleep thru the fire,, he'll be fine) Now I know why I went on to be a firefighter and smoked cigarettes.

Germany. I remember living in what in my minds eye was a compound of some sorts, having alot of really shitty cars and being afraid to walk to kindergarden by myself. I remember a christmas morning when me and joe got helicopter backpacks that were really noisy and Dad yelling to turn that shit off. I remember someone getting me and joe choclate bars that melted under the tree, I think it was Kathi, but my fondest memories of Germany was sitting in my sisters room listening to Janes Beatles 45rpm records (along with Elvis, Herman Hermits, Peter and Gordon, Jefferson Airplane, and of course the Fighting Soldiers Green Beret song which makes me ask why my peacnik sister had a war song in her arsenal.) and I think I learned to shoot the finger in Germany as well. I don't remember much of Dad or Mom though in those days as you can see.